"Neil Anthony’s Fractured Proverbs"

Warning all my jokes are whole grain corn fed

My dear Grandma used to recite all the old proverbs to help inspire us grandkids. “Rise and shine it’s breakfast time. Early to bed early to rise. It’s the early bird that catches the worm.” This was good advice if you are a bird - but what about the worm? So here are some of her proverbs that I have “inverted” and or collected, which give a different, perhaps more correct, meaning! (tongue in cheek)

It's the early worm that gets caught by the bird.

Like a bone without a dog.

Cleanliness is next to impossible.

People who live in gingerbread houses shouldn't throw rock cakes.

A stitch in time ….. stops you from buying a new outfit.

Eat the pudding and then there is no proof.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away - unless you eat the one rotten apple in the barrel.

A friend in need is a friend that you really might not need.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with …a ticket.

Money does grow on trees – cherry trees, apple trees, mango trees, walnut trees….

Eat drink and be merry … for tomorrow we will all go on a diet.

Give credit where credit is due … and then charge 18% interest.

Beauty comes before age.

Lamb dressed down as mutton

The gab of the gift

Mother is the necessity of invention.

One good turn could mean that you'll get another.

You can have your cake and eat it too.
(Just ask a retired politician).

Every cloud has the potential to rain.

Dust is a filament of your imagination (from Sadie the cleaning lady).

It's a people eat dog kind of world.

As smug as a rug with a bug.

Let lying dog’s sleep.

When the mice are away the cat can sleep in.

You can't put pig on a lipstick.

A silk purse will never be appreciated by a sow's ear.

If ignorance is bliss, then why aren't more people happy?

I'm as fruity as a nut cake.

The camel that ate the last straw saved his back.

Never do today what you can fob off to someone else.

A grey day is a wind away from sun burn.

A fool and his money are soon found at the casino.

A place for everything and you'll soon run out of space.

A thing of beauty is a joy until it starts to rust.

A watched pot never boils – try turning on the gas.

A women's place is in the home (no need to change this one – it's already strange)
After all – A women's work is never done!

Ask no questions hear no alibis.

A site for sore eyes ….conjunctivitis.com

Don't cut off your nose to spite your facebook.

Out of Skype out of mind.

Where there's a will there's a way … providing that you are a beneficiary to the Will.

What will be doesn't have to be.

Everything will be alright in the end.
So if it's not alright then you haven't reached the end.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Hard work never did anyone's back any good.

Give me the job and I'll finish the tools.

Mix the wheat with the chaff.

If a job is worth doing its worth doing well …well … for $150 an hour.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to cope with.

A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

Don't burn your bridges before you get to them.

Hatch your chickens but don't count on them.

At KFC the chickens are coming home to roast.

Everything comes to he who waits – unless you are waiting on state rail.

He who laughs last needs to listen more carefully.

But above all – Don't try to teach your grandma how to suck eggs!